It’s the heart.
No, don’t get me wrong. It has nothing to do with my love life or all the metaphors involving the heart. It’s the heart that got literally frightened, last Friday, when I went back home in the dead of night and trampled on thousands of dead and dying bees lying on the floor, in the dark.
I trampled on thousands of dead or dying bees in the dark and looked down and saw that the rug was covered with something indefinite, something black and not quite flat and stirring and buzzing. And all this scared the fucking shit out of me. My heart started beating like crazy, before rationality reached me and I could turn on the light and figure it all out.
And I couldn’t stop thinking about these dead and dying bees under my feet for days, even after I had swept the floor and gone to sleep. I wouldn’t willingly go to sleep, after that, for almost a week. I went to sleep only when my head started falling on the table, every night, and woke up early. Until the whole import of it reached me and all of a sudden my heart started beating like crazy, again.
Which was on Wednesday, by the way. Five days after I had trampled on the dead and dying bees’ bodies in the dark. All of a sudden my heart started beating like crazy and went on for hours: BPMs from 120 to 150 – whoa, “DJ just play that song, ’cause I wanna be dancing all night long”.
I’m not the anxious kind. I mean: I can get scared or anxious, at times, but it usually involves recognizable objects and “bends with the remover to remove”. But this time… wow. I still can’t stop thinking about it. So I’ll dedicate this week’s post to these stressful recurring thoughts (bees, dead, dying, dark, floor, feet).
Stress is like a ball. It swells with air – it feeds on nothing. My heart beats faster and scares me and it starts beating faster and faster. There’s nothing I can do except relax, but with my heart beating at 100, and then 90, and then 80 BPM for days now… I’ve literally spent half of the week chasing my tail.