On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog

SECTION 1 – SOCIAL MEDIA DECENCY

1. Please read the Netiquette.
2. Not a single fuck is given about what you’re eating right now.
3. The same goes for the supermarket you’re shopping in.
4. Be polite: don’t ignore people, don’t be offensive, don’t troll. Act like you would when taking a cup of tea with somebody.
5. This is not just a bench in the park from where you spam us all with a loudhailer. Don’t use it to promote your website or own stuff all the time.
6. For the love of God, spell correctly. Don’t txt spk.
7. Constant disapproval, when adopted as a life purpose and devoid of any constructive input on your part, will cause the death of all the elves in Rivendell.
SUGGESTED EDIT: 8. Don’t feed the trolls. It’s as bad a crime as trolling itself. You are free to answer to simple ass-holes, though.

SECTION 2 – FACEBOOK

1. Don’t stalk people.
2. Stop being so desperate: there’s no need to accept every friendship request, comment on every picture, pee on every corner. You know what? You don’t need social media to know you exist.
3. Don’t invite me to 50 different events every day. I’m anal retentive: I like my inbox and notification areas neat and clean.
4. Don’t quote without giving your sources. Chances are I’ve had a hard time finding nice things to share with you, so I don’t appreciate the extra effort you took to erase my credit from your links.
5. Don’t post questionable photos of yourself (and, even more important, now that I think of it, of me). This includes slutty profile pics and involves scant clothing, bathing suits and – as far as I’m concerned – pictures of yourself drinking: no, I won’t be fooled into the belief that you’re fascinating, larger-than-life, the new Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty. I’ll think you’re just a wyno.

BW

6. Don’t update your sentimental situation every 5 minutes. Don’t use us for your emotional blackmail.
7. Don’t be a rash.
8. Avoid any cheap and repugnant attention-pleading communication: “I’m so depressed I’ll kill myself”, “My life without him/her isn’t worth living”, and stuff like that, high on the cheesy meter. I’ll be tempted to report you to Facebook.
9. If you’re playing games that constantly appear in my newsfeed, chances are I’ve hidden all your posts and will never again know what you’re up to.
10. Don’t upload 350 pics from last Sunday’s coffee break at the bar.
11. And if you do, please rotate your pics in the correct format (landscape or portrait).

SECTION 3 – TWITTER

1. Twitter is a high-maintenance bitch. When you neglect it, in a week or so you’ll see that your followers have started dying like flies. It doesn’t mean it’s crap, it just means that you’re not being interesting.
2. Instead of unfollowing who doesn’t follow you back, cut off the follow spam crap and try and be worthy of a follow.
3. Tend your garden.
4. Don’t criticize twitter all the time. If you do, I might wonder why aren’t you elsewhere.
5. Don’t whine. Nobody cares.
6. Think before you speak. Google before you tweet.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

What your profile picture really means
How to suck at Facebook – The Oatmeal
Ten things you need to stop tweeting about – The Oatmeal

Sono nata in Bulgaria e sono cresciuta in Italia. Mi occupo di traduzioni e revisioni creative, pignole e attente alla qualità per importanti clienti internazionali. Vivo in Olanda con il caro D. Lavoro con l’inglese, l’italiano, occasionalmente con il bulgaro.

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